Stop the crying!

Today I'm sharing a strategy I use at home with my kids that's been extremely effective in helping them manage their emotions. a.k.a. a way of reducing a ton of unnecessary crying.

so you know when you're kid is playing and then all of sudden takes a spill and falls down. sometimes they're hurt, sometimes they're scared and sometimes they're in shock. ya?

well if you're living through the toddler or preschool phase right now then this is probably happening on the daily.

how do you respond to this?

Do you console them?

Tell them they're ok?

Let them just cry it out?

I'm mean sometimes it's hard to know if they've really hurt themselves or not. What I do know is that sometimes the cry is so loud and shrieking that I just want to make it STOP!

Sometimes, we don't necessarily see the exact fall but hear the aftermath of it.

I'm always trying hard to provide the emotional support my kids need but I don't want to coddle too much or be overbearing because I want them to learn how to communicate their thoughts and feelings when emotions rise. However, when they're physically hurt I obviously want to give them the care they need.

So... how do we know if they're actually hurt or scared or insert another emotion. Sometimes a cry is a cry is a cry.

here's your answer. you ask them!

you have to teach this up but with a bit of practice you'll be shocked how quickly your kid (even in the midst of a complete outburst) can tell you exactly what's going on.

The second I hear crying from a fall or such I always react by hugging my child and then by saying "is it an ouchy or a scary?"

If my child responds by saying "ouchy" then I have them show me where the pain is and we address it accordingly (usually a kiss or ice pack does the trick)

If my child responds by saying "scary" then I always reassure them that they're ok and ask them if they're brave. Once the crying has calmed, I get them to repeat back to me "I am brave"- (I love affirmations)

Getting them to identify what's going on is an amazing way to build awareness around the emotions they're experiencing and it's also a great way to interfere with the crying #winwin

If you use this strategy consistently, you're child will start to expect you to respond this way and will then get to a point where they just come running to you crying saying "ouchy" or "scary".

This has been a lifesaver in our house, especially with my sensitive, emotional, and very clumsy 3.5 year old.

Give it and try and let me know how it goes.

You've got this!

Cori

p.s. If you’ve got a toddler or preschoolers that refuses to listen to you or melts down easily when you ask them to do something then I’ve got something for you. These toddlers and preschoolers love a good power struggle!!! If you want to learn how to get your kid to listen to you without yelling or having to constantly repeat yourself then grab my FREE cheatsheet. It has 7 strategies you can start using right away!

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Monkey See, Monkey Do 🙈

So the moral of the story today is... your child watches your every single move. Monkey see, monkey do is a real thing. DO NOT forget that.

My 5 year old is at camp this week but only enrolled half days in the mornings. We've been spending our afternoons together, which has been really nice. Yesterday afternoon, I had to jump on a quick work call so I stepped into a quiet room and left her to play on her own. She's amazing an entertaining herself, and can literally keep herself busy with imaginary play for hours.

When I got off my call, I noticed she was playing in the bathroom so I headed in that direction to see what she was up to. To my absolute surprise, when I turned the corner it became VERY apparent to me that Barbie had just gotten her first hair cut.

YUP.

that's right.

My 5 year old found a pair of scissors from a utility drawer in my kitchen, got comfy on the bathroom floor and went to town on Barbie's hair.

At first I wanted to lose my shit on her because...
a. safety first
b. there was a HUGE annoying mess all over my bathroom (I hate cleaning anything)

but... I then had to realize that this wasn't her fault at all. This was totally MY doing.

I cut my own kids' hair (usually in the bathroom) and she's obviously experienced it and seen me do it on her brother a handful of times. We've never talked about scissor safety around cutting hair or why's it's important for grown ups only to be cutting.

She didn't know any better. She was just modelling something she'd see me do.

She was exercising her imagination, which I'm all for!

To be honest I was more relieved than anything that she experimented on Barbie and not her own hair (she's got this amazing head of blonde curls- I would have been so sad if she slaughtered it).

So when I actually realized what had just happened, my response to her was (in a very calm tone)...
next time you have the idea of cut your dolls hair, please speak to mummy or daddy so we can make sure it's safe and so we can find a good spot in the house to do.

I knew if I yelled at her and blamed her for all the wrong, then no doubt this would happen again behind closed doors because she would totally be afraid of our reaction.

again... this was just a 5 year old girl modelling what she had seen mum do and was using her imagination in play.

In the next day or so, her and I will have another conversation to reflect on what happened and discuss what we'll do different next time to make sure all is good.

no blame. no shame. no pain involved over here!

I can't stress enough how much your own behaviour dictates your child's behaviour.
Your kiddo is watching your every move.

You are your child's most influential teacher in life.

You've got this,

- Cori

p.s. as stressful as parenting can be... you need to know you're not in it alone. Parenting is NOT intuitive, it's hard eff-ing work. If you need solutions, a plan, or a sounding board then let's get on the phone and chat. Book in a 30 minute call (this one's on me)

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ST🚫P the Whining!

Today's your day. I'm throwing you a bone. I'm giving you a few of my strategies on how to curb whining. In my opinion there's nothing more painful than listening to your child whine. 

The first time it happens.... ok fine.
The second time is happens..... I'm a bit annoyed but can deal
The third, fourth, & fifth time..... I'm about to lose my shit (and that's not good for no one) 🙅

Whining is one thing in my house that I don't tolerate. My threshold for it is extremely low. After a few times of hearing it, my body starts to tense, my jaw clenches and automatically my hair starts to frizz 😤 That's my fight or flight response to whining, ha!

Children use whining as a form of expression. It's an emotional outlet for them. It's a way for them to indirectly unload their feelings in a very annoying way (for lack of a better term).

There is some good new to this. Whining is a cue for us! It's a sign letting us know that our child needs our help to work through whatever feelings and emotions they are experiencing.

Some children whine when they're tired, some when they're hungry, and some when they're overstimulated. Some children whine when they feel challenged, defeated, and/or annoyed.

Now if you think your toddler or preschooler is going to very calmly and politely come up to you and say...
          "mom I"m feeling completely overstimulated because the tv is on, you and dad are talking loud, and my sister is running back and forth through the hallway with her toys, and I'm tired because I was at daycare all day today" ....then we need to chat.

It's more like... (read in whiny voice) "mummy, I can't hear the tv. mummyyyy, mummyyyy, ahhhhh, waaaa, muuuummy, I want to hear the tv, I can't hear the tv.

What you MUST know about whining, is the second you respond to your child by turning the tv up and lowering your voice at the same time, you have just reinforced the whining so you better believe it's going to happen again and again and again! Your child just struck gold! He got exactly what he wanted! 💥

We have to support our children in expressing their emotions. We have to support their emotional needs, and we have to teach them that whining is not an effective way of getting shit done.

Here's 3 ways to you can do that... It's time to say buh-bye to that whining noise!

1. Make your child aware
Children need to be made aware of their behaviour. Whenever my son or daughter whines I will immediately say "that's whining, mummy doesn't like whining". You have to give it a name, label it for them. Building awareness is the first part to curbing this behaviour. Labelling it once, won't do anything. You want to keep labelling the whining behaviour until you start to see some change happen.

2. Give your child an alternative action
Once you've started labelling the whining behaviour you need to give your child an alternative response to the whining. So if my child starts to whine, I will say "that's whining, mummy doesn't like whining, you can use your big kid voice instead and ask nicely". Since this is an emotional response- we wouldn't want to send our child the message that they shouldn't express themselves so you can also say something like "that's whining, mummy doesn't like whining, if you're hungry please tell mummy you're tummy feels hungry and we'll get you a yummy snack". Modelling the appropriate response is really important here. Show them exactly what it's suppose to look like. They need that model.

3. Give another chance
Again, since the whining behaviour is a form of communication, we don't want to hinder it. We don't want our children to feel blamed or shamed for trying to express themselves. We want them to feel empowered to express their emotional needs. So when you're child starts to whine, you always want to give them another chance to practice the alternative behaviour you provided them with. Don't just shut them out and tell them to stop whining. That will just escalate things further and you'll end up in power struggle or melt down territory. I love the phrase "try again or do you want to try again". For example I'll say "that's whining, mummy doesn't like whining, you can use your big kid voice instead and ask nicely, do you want to try again".

Try these out and stick to the script. After practicing these strategies consistently, you will see the whining behaviour start to decrease. We've used these strategies so much in my house that now all I have to say is "that's whining" and my kids redirect their response to a way more functional one! No more frizzy hair for me! (at least from the whining!)

I've got more strategies around this and any other behaviour that comes your way. If your feeling exhausted, stressed or defeated in any way then I want you to book in a FREE 30-minute strategy call with me. I've got solutions for you. Let's chat!

You've got this!
Cori

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Teach gratitude NOT entitlement

I'm just coming off of a week long high from our all of our (what feels like 875,125) Hanukkah celebrations. I'm officially exhausted and ready for some downtime! Around this time of the year I always find myself having the exact same thoughts.

 What do I want to teach my kids about the holidays?

 Should I put a lot of emphasis on the religious stuff? (even though we aren't religious people)

 The traditional stuff?

 The cultural stuff?

 ahhh!!!! What the heck is best for my child???

 What I've observed so far is that a mix of the above variables have made it's way into our home over the holidays, and it's worked for us.

 Now, aside from all the uncertainty around the religious, traditional, and cultural stuff that I should be introducing my children to, the one thought in my head that has been MOST consistent year to year is this idea around teaching gratitude. Aside from modelling this day to day, the holidays are a great opportunity to teach our children about gratitude. No, what makes this a little tricky is the idea around gifting & abundance.

 How many toys does your child have that they NEVER EVER play with?

 How much clutter does the abundance of toys in your house occupy?

 Does your child play with a new toy for a few days and then completely forget about it?

 When you try to get rid of toys does your child all of a sudden act like it's their most favourite toy EVER?

 What the heck are we teaching our children by giving them an abundance of gifts all at once? or even grand gifts that are just over the top necessary. Does it become more about us than them?

 Isn't your child more into the box or wrapping than the actual toy??

 Now, Hannukah is 8 nights long and there are some families that choose to give their child a gift every. single. night. I personally think the idea is really cool but... in comes your child who is now expecting a gift every single night and starts to melt when the gift...

a. doesn't come fast enough

b. isn't as stimulating as the one from the previous night or

c. isn't what they expected it would be

 At what point does the novelty run out? How can we teach the concept of appreciation & gratitude when there's such an abundance, and a set expectation. Truth is...It becomes really really hard. It actually backfires.

 If your child has very excited and generous grandparents or family members & friends that all want to shower them with gifts for the holidays there's a few things you can do to avoid the abundance or grand gestures and really focus on what matters; appreciation & gratitude for what you have and what you get. In my books- it's always going to be quality over quantity!

1. Experiences over material items- if anyone of the gift givers are asking you for input, then recommend gifting an experience vs. a toy. This is a great way for children to be out in the world learning all types of skills and building memories. This year I bought my cousins' kids gift certificates to the movies. In the past I've also done tickets to the aquarium, zoo, science centre, & Canada's Wonderland. Now, this can be a win-win if the person gifting the experience wants to enjoy the experience with your child- they take your child out & you get a bit of a break! #momwin

2. Stash & Store - This is what my dining room table looked like after ONLY the first night of Hanukkah- 98% of this has now been stashed and stored away.  This is my go-to around the holidays and birthdays. When my children get an abundance of stuff all at once, I literally hand them 1-2 new items and stash the remaining items away in storage. I now have a bank of new toys and activities that I can either pull out on a rainy day or use as a reward for exceptional behaviour. The point is, they come out very slowly over time.

3. Donate- If you know your child is receiving an abundance of toys and there's no way to avoid it, then build in a pay-it-forward system. Find local charities that take toy donations over the holidays. Have your child physically go with you and donate a toy to someone in need. To make this meaningful, discuss with them the importance about donating toys. You can go one step further and have them donate something they actually like or care about. Giving up something you care about is a very hard skill for a child- this is a great opportunity to strengthen that skill!

Moral of the story... Keep it simple for you child! Continue to find opportunities to teach them how to be a good person. This is a great time of the year to reflect on your parenting style and suit up for 2019. If you want support setting new parenting goals for 2019, then let's chat! Book in a FREE 30 minute call so we can get you equipped with tools to be the best parent you can be.

You've got this!
- Cori

p.s. I've got a super exciting announcement coming for 2019. I'll be announcing it first in Behave it or NOT! so make sure to keep your eyes open for it!

"heads up"- get your child to listen to you.

I've been finding myself short fusing a bit lately and I'm not sure if it's because...

there are never EVER enough hours in a day to get shit done,

I'm not getting enough sleep,

I'm not carving out time for self-care,

or

ALL OF THE ABOVE!

(it's likely all of the above).

 Now the shittiest thing about this is that my kids know exactly how to push every possible button of mine to get me to my breaking point. I wouldn't say it's intentional, they just both need my undivided attention at the exact. same. time. (funny how that works eh?!)

With that said, I've had to sit down and make a list of my most easiest (to implement) strategies that will keep me from reacting to them in a way that I'll regret the second after.

What's been my most used strategy lately has been the "heads up" strategy. This is my 'go-to' when I need my kids to transition away from something that they really really enjoy (cue a really deep breath).

 Essentially when I know that a transition is coming up, I give my child a warning that what they are doing is ending soon and I let them know exactly what's coming up. For example; just last night my son way playing with his cars and I needed him to get in the shower. So I gave myself enough time to give him not 1, not 2, but 3 heads up that cars were ending and we would be having a shower. Third time's a charm! This is the rule here.

 I use this strategy....

   to get them in the shower,

    to get them dressed,

       to get them to the table to eat,

           to get those shoes on in the morning,

                                              and the list goes on......

This strategy is only effective if you give yourself enough time to give them the "heads up" that a transition is coming. So it requires a little planning on your part.

I feel such a huge relief when my children transition without putting up a fight. Best feeling!!!!! Total #momwin. It never gets old here.

Since we are dealing with little people here who have very little attention spans, keep in mind that a heads up warning is not effective after saying it once. Third time's a charm! I promise! I sometimes have them repeat it back to me each time just to make sure they are actively listening and not just hearing my noise.

Whether you are feeling exhausted, frustrated, or defeated- there's no reason you can't implement this strategy to help make things a bit easier for yourself. I want you to try this strategy out as soon as possible and let me know how it goes

You've got this!

-Cori

p.s. If you've already tried this strategy and have gotten push back from your child then we need to chat. There's a reason for that and I'll tell you why. Book in a free 30-minute call here.

p.p.s. If you haven't tried this out yet then go for it! I've got a full playbook of strategies and I'm happy to share them with you. I'm here to give you solutions so you can enjoy your time with your child and not have to feel anxious, stressed, or defeated. Book in a FREE 30 minute call so I can tell you how to gain access to my playbook!

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Parenting Epidemic 2018

This summer my husband and I took a leap and pulled our kids out of daycare & camp for the month of August and spent the entire month together at our cottage. We figured why not do it while they are still young enough not to fight us on it.

We didn't know what to expect.

We didn’t know if we would last the entire month.

We didn’t know if the kids would be busy enough to keep them happy.

We didn’t know if the kids would be bored without other kids to play with all day every day.

We certainly didn’t anticipate it being as successful as it was!

Most people thought we were crazy for doing this because a month is a long time to keep your kids entertained and busy without going nutso. Many people questioned what the heck we were going to do with our kids for an entire month?!?

Well here we are! Survivors! We managed to slow down time and capture the most quality moments with our 2 children that we will never get back. We managed to shift away from work mode, and put that energy into time with our kids and each other. We both stopped moving and thinking so fast and adapted to our children’s paces. These were all choices we made. Choices that I’m forever grateful for. These are choices that I will continue to make on the days that I am home with my kids.

Why?

Because throughout the month of August…

My kids were happy. My kids were calm. My kids were relaxed. My kids were playful. My kids were compliant. My kids were kind. My kids slept well. My kids were healthy.

What more can a parent ask for?!?!?

…so what was so different in August from every other month of the year? no-doubt, there was a shift in quality, when we talk about our interactions with our children. For the most part, they had our undivided attention. We engaged in so many activities with them on a daily basis without the burden of our phones in our pockets or hands. We didn’t allow ourselves to get distracted by nonsense stuff that could wait until a later time. This was a true win-win situation for all of us.

If we look at this month away as a little social experiment then our results indicate that WE HAVE A HUGE PARENTING EPIDEMIC on our hands…. so huge that we don’t even realize it in the moment. I’ll preface this with the fact that the way you spend time with your child is directly related to your child’s behaviour. To keep it simple, if you keep your child’s attention bucket full then you will have a very happy child on your hands. If your child isn’t getting enough of your undivided attention on a consistent basis, then you will find yourself dealing with more defiant child.

I ask you this….

Do you spend time glancing at your emails when you are with your child?

Do you scroll through your social media platforms while your child plays at your side?

Do you multitask at home on your computer, while your child is hanging out watching tv in the same room?

If you answered yes to any of the above then please put down your cell phones and computers until your child is asleep. Your child needs your undivided attention.

Stop multitasking, stop checking your emails, and stop glancing at social media when you think they don't realize. They absorb everything about your non-verbal communication and behaviour.

I’m guilty here and didn’t realize the extent of it until August when I decided to shift gears during my children’s waking hours.

I challenge you to be more present with your child. 
I challenge you to be more emotionally available for your child. 
I challenge you to step outside of your comfort zone and feel silly when you play with your child.

Accept my challenge and I can guarantee you a very happy, relaxed and well behaved child.

Are you in?

-cori

p.s. if you accepted the challenge then I want to hear from you, let me know how it goes.

p.s.s. If you need strategies to help curb your own behaviour to make this happen then I want you to connect with me asap by booking in a free 30-minute consult right here! I’ll be posting lots of strategies around this in Behave it or NOT!

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Let's talk MORNING ROUTINE!

So if you are the "wake up before your child" type of person and you get your day started without any interruptions- then you should know I’m envious of you! The odd time I’m up before my children, I always have the exact same dialogue in my head... 

"It’s so nice and quiet, I feel so relaxed, what a great way to start the day!"

The other 363 days of the year this is how it goes….

A typical morning usually consists of….
My children waking up and finding their way into my bed
The tv goes on and we have the most delicious snuggles (never want those to end). 
After 15 minutes of watching tv and snuggling the race is on! 
And in no particular order...
Get dressed! 
Eat breakfast!
Get dressed again because clothing got dirty from breakfast
Brush teeth!
Shoes on! Jackets on!
Occupy the kids while you do all of the above
Oh ya… then one kids starts screaming because the other kid isn’t sharing toys
Then my daughter gives up and decides to change her clothes again because why not!?!? (does this stage ever end?!?!?)
The phone is dinging as those work emails start coming in on both mine and my husbands phones… 
Then both my kids try to leave the house with toys in each hand to take to school (you know because there aren’t enough toys there already) and then comes the negotiation to get them to leave the toys at home…. cue the crying…. 
We finally take 1 step out the door and I realize I’ve left my phone inside- run back in and search everywhere for it.

WTF?!?!

Does this sounds familiar to you??

I recently did a poll in Behave it or NOT! and it looks like I’m with most you, which was a huge relief on my end so thank you for that!!!. 

I’m certainly not an early to rise person, nor is my family. My children have become our alarm clock, and to be honest I’m totally ok with it. So what does this mean for us? …..our mornings are very face paced as we race the clock to get out of the house. Over the years I’ve had to figure out how to keep our house moving in forward motion --> to get out the door on time with minimal bumps along the way. 

Efficiency is always my #1 goal. 

I always get asked "how do you do it?"

Well here you go...Here are some of the strategies I’ve used to help us be successful with our morning routine.

1. I always make a mental list (for those who know me, I love lists!!!) in my head of things I can do the night before to make the morning smoother. For example; pack bags for school, dance, baseball and throw it in the car- can’t forget it the next day if it’s already in the car! BOOM!
2. Those first 15 minutes of snuggle time in the morning are a MUST- this is our opportunity to get emotionally connected with our children before the day gets started. All kids need a good dose of attention to fuel their day. Give it to them before your day starts so they don’t try to seek it out in a non-functional way while you are trying to rush out the door
3. Minimize the number of transitions you require your child to get through from wake up to getting out the door. The way I’ve set up our morning routine is based on location in the house where tasks need to get done. So.. we start in our bedrooms (getting dressed, making bed) and then move our way to the kitchen (breakfast, wash up) which is close to the front door, and then front door for shoes & jackets and out the door! There’s very little back and forth required for transitions.
4. If my child tries to swerve from the routine because she wants to "play with her toys"- I turn to the "when-then" routine. It would sounds something like this.. "When you get dressed and make your bed, then you can play with your toys for 10 minutes (timer is set for her)"
5. Model a solid routine for your kids. If you are like me and aren’t one to get up before your kids, then go through the morning routine with them. You get dressed while they get dressed- getting dressed together is a great opportunity to connect and be in it together- kids love this!
6. For children 3+ years old you can provide them with a checklist of tasks for them to follow in the morning. If they can’t read yet, use pictures. Kids love to be in control! What an easy way to give them a sense of empowerment to start their day! The only thing to remember here is this needs to be taught- go through the motions with your child a few times until you feel confident they can do it on their own.

In an ideal world, I would get up at least 30 minutes earlier than my kids to get myself dressed and ready for the day- This is on my "to-do" list. 

-Cori

p.s. I love hand delivering strategies directly into your inbox. Sign up here for instant delivery! 

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