Teaching Gratitude Over The Holidays

It’s officially December! Whaaaaaat?!?! How the heck did that happen. 

Here we are! I’ve been hearing Christmas music on the radio for a few weeks now 😂.

The holidays are upon us.

Every year around this time I have the same thought pop up in my mind.

What do I want to teach my kids about the holidays? 

Should I put a lot of emphasis on the religious stuff? 

The traditional stuff? 

The cultural stuff?

How should I leverage this opportunity to support my child’s growth and development???

So far we’ve had a mix of the above make its way into our home over the holidays, and it's worked for us.

Now, aside from all the uncertainty around the religious, traditional, and cultural stuff that I should be introducing my children to, the one thought in my head that has been MOST consistent year to year is this idea around teaching gratitude. 

Aside from modelling this day to day, the holidays are a fantastic opportunity to teach our children about gratitude. 

To preface all of this…. Let’s quickly talk about the topic of gifting & abundance.

How many toys does your child have that they NEVER EVER play with?

How much clutter does the abundance of toys in your house occupy?

Does your child play with a new toy for a few days and then completely forget about it?

When you try to get rid of toys does your child all of a sudden act like it's their most favourite toy EVER?

What the heck are we teaching our children by giving them an abundance of gifts all at once? or big grand gifts that are just over the top. Does it become more about us than them?

Isn't your child more into the box or wrapping paper than the actual toy??

How can we teach the concept of appreciation & gratitude when there's such an abundance, and set expectations around gifting this time of the year. Truth is...It becomes really really hard. 

So in light of this, here are 3 things you can try out to avoid the abundance and really focus on what matters; appreciation & gratitude for what you have and what you get. 

In my books- it's always going to be quality over quantity! 

1. Experiences over material items - if any gift givers are asking you for input, recommend gifting an experience vs. a toy. This is a great way for children to be out in the world learning all types of skills and building memories. This year my kids got tickets to see Cirque Du Soleil from their grandparents. Last year I bought my cousins' kids gift certificates to the movies. In the past I've also done tickets to the aquarium, zoo, science centre, & Canada's Wonderland. Now, this can be a win-win if the person gifting the experience wants to enjoy the experience with your child- they take your child out & you get a bit of a break! #momwin

2. Stash & Store - This is my go-to around holidays and birthdays. When my children get an abundance of stuff all at once, I literally hand them 1-2 new items and stash the remaining items away in storage. Out of sight, out of mind! I now have a bank of new toys and activities that I can either pull out on a rainy day or use as a reward for exceptional behaviour. The point is, they come out very slowly over time. This gives them the opportunity to play with their new toys and appreciate them without being distracted by 1000 others.

3. Donate - If you know your child is receiving an abundance of toys and there's no way to avoid it, then build in a pay-it-forward system. Find local charities that take toy donations over the holidays. Have your child physically go with you and donate a toy to someone in need. To make this meaningful, discuss with them the importance about donating toys. This is a great way to teach gratitude. Our preschool has a local toy drive every year so we always load up a bag of unused toys and all head over together to drop them off. You can go one step further and have them donate something they actually like or care about. Giving up something you care about is a very hard skill for a child- this is a great opportunity to strengthen that skill!

I’d love to hear what you think about these ideas. Hit reply and let me know. If you are taking your child to donate stuff- take a pic and tag me on instagram (@cori_stern) or post it in Behave it or NOT! so I can send you over a virtual high five. 

Make this holiday count!

You’ve got this!

Cori

P.s. If you’re feeling stressed about the holidays and need a few strategies to get you through then book in a FREE 30 min call so we can chat. 

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6 Back to School Tips For An Easy Transition.

Summer is almost over (sigh) and that means school is fast approaching! This week I am going to share with you a few of my favourite tips to get you and your family ready for the transition. The better you can prep your family, the easier those first few weeks back will be. I’ve already started working through most of the strategies with my family. Your turn!

BACK TO SCHOOL TIP #1: Create a solid morning routine!

I am NOT an early to rise person and neither is my family but the last thing I want is for my kids to be late to school. By creating a well-planned morning routine you can get out of the house on time with little to no bumps along the way (exciting right?!). Start practicing your back-to-school morning routine NOW!

I always pack backpacks the night before and leave them at the front door with the zipper wide open so all I have to do is plop the lunch box in. Sounds so insignificant but was a game changer when I started doing it. #backtoschool

BACK TO SCHOOL TIP #2: Fake it until you make it!

If you’re feeling stressed or anxious about school starting than your child is likely going to pick up on this and follow suit. Consider how your own behaviour is affecting your child’s. Stay calm and positive in front of your child-even if you don’t feel that way inside. Let your child decide on their own if they’re going to have anxious feelings or not. 

P.s. feeling anxious about back to school is totally normal- especially for those who are sending their first child off to kindergarten! I’m 100% anticipating those back to school jitters myself.

BACK TO SCHOOL TIP #3: Involve your kids during back to school shopping

Back to school sales are on!! Those sales hit a sweet spot, but that cart can’t push itself so make sure to involve your kids in your back to school shopping! This gives you an opportunity to talk to them about school while doing something that makes them excited for what lies ahead

BACK TO SCHOOL TIP #4: Familiarize your child with their school 

Our kids thrive off of predictability. There’s no better way to make them less anxious for school than by visiting it! Play in the school playground and start walking or driving the route to school on your daily outings. Take pictures of your child’s school so you guys can look at them together. This is a great conversation starter!

BACK TO SCHOOL TIP #5: Get back into a good bedtime routine

Sleep is one of the most important players in a successful transition. Proper sleep hygiene is extremely important for growth and development. A well rested child will be more resilient through change. Start getting back into a good bedtime routine NOW! If you stretched bedtime over the summer, start to slowly shift it back in 15 minute increments until you are back to your regular. Starting Monday this will definitely be going down in the Stern house!

BACK TO SCHOOL TIP #6: Connect your child with their friends 

A familiar face will make a huge difference when your kid goes back to school. Try to schedule in a play date before school starts. I’ll be setting up a few playdates at our school playground so my daughter can reconnect with her classmates who she hasn’t seen in two months. Feeling connected to others plays a huge part in reducing anxious feelings, especially with transitions. 

You’ve got this!

-Cori

p.s. If you’re feeling stressed about the transition back to school? Worried your kid will be emotional and attached to your hip until you have to pry their hands off? If you find transitions challenging, let me give you solutions to make this one a little more seamless.  Book in a FREE 30-minute call so I can understand where you’re at. From one mama to another- I’m here for you! 

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Supporting Emotional Regulation, Turn Taking and Cooperation in a Play-Based Environment

We know the early years of a child’s life are the most critical in developing his or hers social and emotional development.  Developing emotional regulation and cooperation isn’t something that comes naturally to growing children - this is something that must be taught on an ongoing basis and requires lots of modelling and repetition.

What is emotional regulation?

Emotional regulation refers to the ability of child to return to a calm and alert state after an emotional  “bump” of some kind.  This bump could be extremely positive or negative - it may be a full-blown tantrum or a display of over-excitement that is difficult to contain.  In any case, it’s important to note that kids are born with a range of emotions but need adult support to learn regulate so we must be mindful of what our children are actually capable of when we’re setting out our expectations for them.  

Play is an amazing avenue to teach emotional regulation, cooperation and turn taking because children are naturally playful and are drawn to play.  Studies show that young children learn best in a play-based environment when they are following their own interests so we should capitalize on this!  Play (almost always or should) occurs in a safe, non-threatening environment so children are more willing to take risks where they may not do so in other situations.  In play-based scenarios, they learn important skills like negotiating with their peers, taking turns, waiting, and feeling disappointment/excitement.

What you can do to support emotional regulation

Firstly, allow your child to express their emotions (positive and negative) while you help them to identify and label those feelings.  We want to be careful to not stifle or repress those big emotions as this may have implications later on in their social/emotional development.

Mirror play and role play is a great start to help children learn to identify what their feelings actually look like when they are experiencing them.  The next time your child is upset, comment on their appearance and have them see what they look like: “Oh my goodness, you look really sad, you’re crying and your mouth is in a frown - can you see your tears in the mirror?  Poor you, you must need an extra cuddle.” On the other end of the emotional spectrum, make sure to comment on their facial expression and/or action if they are really excited about something - ““Wow, good for you! Look at you clapping your hands, you must be really proud of yourself for finishing that puzzle!  I can see all your teeth and your mouth looks like an orange slice because you’re smiling so much!”

Likewise, parents should model the same sort of emotions and feelings during play to show children how to react.  This may come naturally or you may need to manufacture a situation that would cause you frustration or disappointment to make it a teachable moment - “Oh no!  My tower keeps falling over, it’s making me a bit mad but I’m going to keep trying. Can you help me build it?” This fairly simple statement demonstrates a number of important things:

1. It’s showing that adults have real emotions too!  As parents, we want to stay as emotionally stable as we can in front of our children but it’s actually important for them to witness us experience frustration, disappointment, excitement etc in order to normalize those feelings to them

2. It’s showing perseverance.  A big part of developing emotional regulation is that ability to return to a calm state and either move on or try something again.  By saying “I’m going to keep trying”, we’re teaching our kids that we may have hiccups and get frustrated, but we can still get over it and return to the task at hand

3. It’s showing the ability to ask for help.  Self-regulation doesn’t mean that children are completely left on their own to deal with their emotions, rather they have a constructive set of tools and strategies to help deal with them.  Teaching our kids to ask for help is one of those strategies

Teaching sharing and cooperation during play

This is an ongoing and often arduous task that takes years and years of input but don’t give up - your efforts will pay off!  

Giving Choice

Children ultimately want to be in control of their environment.  So much of their lives are dictated to them and for them so allowing them to choose what they want to play with is a great start.  If they are happy with what toy or game they’ve chosen, they will be more likely to cooperate during the activity. So,during play, allowing them to choose activities or steer direction of play “Do you want to play with the puzzle first or the magformers?” “After your turn, who should have a turn next - Mommy or Daddy?”

Using First, Next/Then Statements

Using first/next language prepares children for what’s coming up and it will make them more likely to comply with a request if it comes with a bit of a warning rather than a surprise. “First Myka is going to do some drawing and then Mommy is going to add to it” or “Who should drive the car down the ramp first?  Saul or Daddy? Ok first Saul will drive it and then it’s Daddy’s turn.” Giving a heads up to what will be coming next is helpful for children to learn to regulate their emotions.

Using Simple Language and Practice, Practice, Practice!

Encourage turn-taking and sharing with simple language like “my turn, your turn” or “Mommy’s turn, Claire’s turn”.  Younger children don’t have the cognitive capacity to listen to a long-winded explanation about sharing, especially if they may be getting into a heightened emotional state.  So best to use simple, short and consistent phrases that they understand. Modelling these strategies over and over will help reinforce these concepts. Practice makes permanent.

Engaging in Imaginative/Pretend Play

Imaginative play is a GREAT way to act out real-life social and emotional scenes in a safe and fun environment (while stealthily teaching cooperation skills!).  Role play situations that they are interested and engaged in. The kitchen/cooking/restaurant is generally a popular role play scenario - kids love acting out things that are familiar to them.  In these types of scenarios, you can play out patience (waiting your turn to be seated at the table if you’re pretending you’re in a restaurant for example), making choices and turn taking (ordering your food), dealing with disappointment (“I’m sorry James, we don’t have any more hamburgers today, can you choose something else?”, sharing (“If you’re really interested in the hamburger, you can ask Joe if he’ll share his and we can cut it in the middle”) and cooperation (“Oh dear, the dishwasher is broken in the kitchen - who can help me wash up the dishes in the sink?”).  

Remember -  self-regulation and cooperation are difficult and complex concepts to master!  Be persistent, consistent and patient and they will eventually internalize it all.

Mary Wolff & Talia Shapero

Co-Founders, Smart Cookie Club

Visit The Smart Cookie Club online for more info about play based learning!

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How to Teach Emotional Regulation, Sharing & Cooperation with Toddlers

So as you may know, I recently did a huge purge on my kids' playspace at home. I ended up filling a huge garbage of broken toys & toys with missing pieces, and then another huge bag of toys to donate because my kids had grown out of them or we had duplicates.

 There's something so satisfying about filling those garbage bags and getting them out of the house.  

 Buh Bye!

 See you later alligator!

 Every time I purge that toy room it always comes back to haunt me how much "stuff" the kids have and how little of it actually gets used. It's this constant cycle of....

 they get something new,

 play with it religiously for a few days (or even a few hours),

 and then it gets chucked into corner and on to the next best thing....

 If we're lucky that item will surface again down the road.

 and repeat!

 sound familiar?

 so.... as I was going through this purge, I was hit with a dose of inspiration from my friends over at the Smart Cookie Club, who legit up-cycle old household items and create very basic, low tech educational toys.

Last week I chatted with them live in Behave it or NOT! and they shared some ways that they teach their students emotional regulation, sharing, & cooperation with these brilliant toys & activities they make.

[🚨 spoiler alert]- these girls take garbage and turn it into gold!

 While I was chatting with them I had a serious💡moment. Sooooo you're telling me I can....

1. save money by not having to constantly buy my kiddies new toys

2. recycle house hold item to get more value for the money I originally spent on those items

3. reduce our household footprint

4. do all this while teaching my kids some of THE MOST IMPORTANT life skills they need!?

WHAAAAAT!?!?!?!? This is a serious #parentwin!

 Get comfy and ready to be inspired. I don't want you to miss this. All I have to say is you.are.welcome!

Let me know what you are going to do with the info you gather from this video. I've already started picking through my recycling bin for some items to up cycle for my kids. I might even save it all for March Break and have them create these new toys and activities with me.

Anything to get them involved and make them feel empowered!

You've got this!

-Cori

p.s. If you have a toddler that LOVES a good power struggle and knows how to push your buttons. Then I want you to download my FREE cheat sheet with 7 simple strategies to get your child to listen to you. You can start using my strategies right away! Let this be the game changer for you!

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10 ways to foster growth & development over the summer

Summer is officially here! Yay!!! I find there’s a special relationship between the summer and a child’s growth and development. My own theory is that school is out, camp is in, and thus kids are overall more relaxed. A happy child is a relaxed child, and a relaxed child learns best. This also holds true for toddlers who aren’t in school yet. I find they spend A LOT more time outside, which means more time to move and groove. The more active the child, the more in balance they are internally and thus the more relaxed they are overall. The developmental leaps that take place over the summer are always the most obvious to me.

With that said, children don’t make these leaps on their own. They count on you for a lot of it. Here are 10 ways to maximize your time over the summer to foster growth and development.

Here it is…

1. Set up a solid structure & routine

Children thrive off of predictability. They do really well when they know what to expect and what’s coming next. So if your child is not in a full time daycare or camp program, make sure you are providing a solid structure throughout their days and weeks in the summer. Create a structure with very clear expectations and outcomes and create a summer routine that allows them to have lots of opportunity to experience new learning opportunities. If you can accomplish this, then your transition into the fall and start of school will be a breeze. This will also help keep disruptive behaviours down.

2. Provide your child with opportunity to contribute to your household

Toddlers & school-aged children need to feel a sense of empowerment to satisfy their developmental needs. They are now at a stage where they are becoming independent little people and learning how the exercise control over their world. The most functional way you can keep their empowerment bucket full is to start letting them contribute to household tasks. For example; making their bed, sorting laundry, putting their clothes in the laundry basket, preparing simple foods, turning lights on and off when you enter and exit a room, and the list goes on…. This won't happen over night, there's some teaching involved here but trust me... a little teaching now will help you out big time in the long run. Don’t forget to make this super FUN!

3. Lots of physical activity

Summer time is the best time to be outside and give your child lots opportunities to engage in proprioceptive and vestibular movement. These movements are necessary to awaken all the sense our bodies need to develop strong gross and fine motor skills. Let them climb ladders and slides, hang from monkey bars and problem solve their way through different playground structures. Bonus is that your child will build confidence and self-esteem from this!

4. Let them “do it myself” and “help”

The name of the game is INDEPENDENCE at this stage of development. This might be the most painful thing for some parents because we know there’s a dreaded mess that’s going to follow or just create more work for us but…. We have to see the value in process over product here. Children are convinced they are “response-able” at this stage and if we send them a message that we think otherwise then what are we really teaching them? Be patient, take a deep breath, and be ok with a little bit of mess.

5. Teach responsibility around peer and/or sibling interactions

Stop forcing your child to say “sorry”. What’s the point? What are you actually teaching them? You’ll be better off to help them label their own emotions when they are confronted with a conflict  and help them work through those emotions. Empathize with them and let them know that you also experience these emotions. Once your child is calm then you can talk resolution with them. Ask them what they could do different next time. Ask them what they’ve learned from the situation. You might be shocked to see how inclined they are to apologize on their own or problem solve a little better next time. This does however take time and work, so don’t give up if it doesn’t resonate the first time around.

6. Model responsibility around caring for items

You are your child’s greatest role model in life! Be very explicit about choices you are making in and around the house. Start speaking your thoughts out loud. For example; “I forgot I left my shirt on the floor, I better pick it up and put it away” or “I’m feeling so tired but I better put my books away so I can find them tomorrow”. Model and they will do!

7. Teach your child a new skill every week!

This is the best! Create list of new skills you want your child to learn over the summer. Every week you are going to focus on one new skill and provide a ton of opportunity to practice that new skills. This is your time to get creative!!! If you have a child entering Kindergarten in the fall, this is the perfect opportunity to work on some of those essential skills they need for the Kindergarten transition- such as holding a crayon properly, using scissors, getting dressed by themselves, using buttons and zippers, opening and closing food containers, and the list goes on…. have fun with it!

8. Foster problem solving skills

The goal here is to present your child with new situations and activities and start asking them question to problem solve through them instead of telling them what to do. Encourage your child to explore different solutions and even ask questions if they are unsure. If you are binging on playground time while the weather is nice this is the perfect opportunity to foster problem solving skills. Take your child to new playgrounds and let them figure out how to navigate through the different play structures. If they get stuck, present them with questions to spark their thoughts. For example; “what can you grab on to to make it to the next level?”

9. Encourage risk taking

Be honest here… How many times a day do you say “be careful” to your child? We need to be cognizant of this and try to limit this expression. We need to expect bumps and bruises along the way. Taking risks presents our children with challenges. Working through challenges makes them feel so good!!! HELLO self-esteem! This will take them a lot further in their growth and development than constantly hearing “good job”, “ you did it”. Let them feel it intrinsically!

10. Do something a little extraordinary

It’s summer time!!! This is the time to do something new, novel, and extraordinary with your child. Give them an experience they’ve never had before. Whether it’s going to an amusement park, the theatre for the first time, a sleep-over, or blueberry picking (one of my personal favourites). These novel experiences are priceless learning opportunities for your child. Exposing them to something new will just help widen their view of the world and broaden their understanding of their own emotions, thoughts, and relationships with other people and things.

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No punishment here.

Is punishment effective? Is it necessary? Does it actually teach right from wrong? I'm not entirely sure about that but what I do know is that punishment creates a very uncomfortable physiological response in the child's body. With punishment comes blame, pain, and (or) shame, all which trigger the fight or flight response in children. This fight or flight response puts children in defence mode. Punishment also creates a spike in cortisol (a.k.a. the stress hormone) in the body. So are children actually learning what they did wrong or are they learning to avoid the physiological response they experienced from punishment? I would say the latter. Who the heck wants to feel shame? Who wants to experience physical or emotional pain? Not I, not you, not your child. There's a big difference between punishment and effective consequences. Punishment is a type of consequence but is very harsh, mean, condescending, and harmful. If used effectively, consequences can be more respectful, should be directly related to the behaviour, and have to be reasonable based on your child's age and stage of development. Punishment is flawed. Here's 5 reasons why...

1. Punishment encourages children to lie. Once children experience the blame, shame, and pain from punishment they will what they can to avoid it from happening again.
2. Punishment fosters resentment and anger. This is especially true for children who do not get enough 1:1 time with their parents. As well for children who don't get enough opportunities throughout their day to feel empowered.
3. Punishment doesn't allow for teaching to happen. Children go into self-defence mode when punished. This closes off any opportunity to teach them right from wrong in the moment.
4. Punishment weakens trust in the parent-child relationship. Trust is built on the foundations of love, support, encouragement, and safety. Punishment works against all of these.
5. Punishment can encourage revenge behaviours. This is especially true for children who do not get enough opportunity to feel empowered throughout the day.

Parents often "punish" their child because in the moment they have a hard time regulating their own emotions. If you feel like you are getting heightened, take a deep breath or just walk away. Remember, every waking moment is a teachable moment. Take hold of each teaching opportunity to teach your children to be the best they can be. You got this!

- Cori

Avoiding Discouragement

When we talk about children's behaviour we know that it is goal oriented. We know all behaviours happen for a reason. There's no such thing as "it happened for no reason" or "it came out of nowhere". Our responses to our child's behaviour will always do one of two things. It will either strengthen the behaviour or weaken the behaviour. If we reinforce the behaviour we will see that behaviour over and over again. If we don't reinforce the behaviour we are likely to see less and less of that behaviour. Starting in the toddler phase of development, we start to experience the ever so famous "power struggle". These power struggles are inevitable, they are exhausting, and they take a toll on our day to day routines. The struggle is REAL! As a preface to all of this, we have to understand that our own behaviour has a direct consequence on our child's behaviour. Often without even realizing it, us parents do things that discourage our child, which often leads to triggering the power struggle. Misbehaved children are often discouraged children and discouraged children love the power struggle the MOST. So... this is good new for us. Wonder why? We have the ability to monitor our own behaviour to make sure we aren't inadvertently discouraging our children in this time of growth and development. You should NEVER mock, criticize, humiliate or use sarcasm with your child. These are very obvious ways that can lead to a discouraged child. We also might do things that are a little less obvious that can cause discouragement. Here are 6 powerful ways to avoid fostering a discouraged child; Try it out! Let me know how it goes! You got this!

1. DO NOT talk about them in front of them when it comes to misbehaviour or anything negative. This just gives a reaction and attention to the negative stuff. Broadcasting this information sends them the message that their behaviour is something worth talking about. Kids love attention (positive or negative)!

2. DO NOT do things for them when they can do on their own. This sends the message that we think they are incapable and have a lack of faith in their skills. This really pisses them off!

3. DO NOT expect perfection. Manage your own expectations- Practice doesn't make perfect, it makes permanent. The more a child practices a skill the deeper in goes into their memory. Don't expect adult like behaviour from them. They are kids!!!

4. DO NOT label your child. Do don't refer to them as the "shy one", the "crazy one", the "artistic one", the "loud one". This puts them under a lens and can be very embarrassing.

5. DO NOT compare your child to another child. Not to another one of your own children or another child in the community. This again comes from a place of judgement and can really hurt a child's self-esteem. Child who feel judged will often rebel and push back harder when it comes to the power struggle.

6. DO NOT overprotect your child. This sends them the message that they can't do things on their own. That they can't think for themselves or act for themselves. This very easily invites the power struggle. Let them have an opinion, make choices, and explore cause and effect variables in the environment (within reason).

Join me in my Facebook group Behave it or NOT! for a lot more practical strategies on managing child behaviour!

- Cori

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