First things first, this is one of the most common occurrences for parents.  It is rare that two people, with two different personalities, raised different ways, are going to see parenting in the exact same way.

 Let’s tackle what comes up and tips to communicate constructively and argue less about resolving these issues. 

I believe expressing different opinions in front of children is a way to model an aspect of constructive communication in a hopefully, mature fashion.  Fighting in front of the kids isn’t a  great idea, fight when they are deeply asleep or you are out of the house.

Try to find a time when it is quiet, you are not exhausted, ha ha, the kids are not running around (put on the TV on a Sunday morning) and chat.

This is an opportunity to talk about something you want to deal with regarding the children’s behaviour.  For example, if you want to discuss screen time, or chores around the house, or how to discipline any age child when they don’t listen to you, you need to express your opinion to one another and really listen to the other person.

💙 Enter the dialogue as a team, remember you both love your children and want the best for them. Even though you may feel strongly about how to handle the situation, trust me there is no clearly RIGHT way.  

💙 Except it is wrong to use physical punishment, it just teaches children to be physically aggressive.

💙 Express your point of view and why you believe it will be effective in dealing with your child’s behaviour.  

💙 Ask your partner what they think about what you are saying.

💙 Ask them also what their point of view is and why they think this will help accomplish what you both want to achieve in teaching your child how to behave.

💙 Remember you may not be right and that really considering their point of view may be very useful.  

It is not important who is right or wrong!  

What is important is working together and being open minded and willing to entertain your partners point of view.  Remember you are both on the same team and I have rarely met a parent who doesn’t want the best for their child.

You can always agree to compromise and find a solution that is somewhere in the middle or you can toss a coin and try one way first for a little while and if it doesn’t work try it the other persons way.  My daughter used to joke that they would let my son in law raise the first child his way and my daughter raise the second child her way and which ever kid came out better would raise number 3.  Well they have both raised all three and so far it is working out okay. But trust me, each child has their struggles and they continue to evolve in their parenting styles and approaches.

Take parenting classes together, read parenting books and discuss without calling each other names or consult a therapist

Some children are particularly challenging and you may need some professional advice to deal with the needs of your child.  If you are stressed by  your own parents problems, any marital difficulties, sibling or financial problems, or work related issues it will be much more difficult to be calm, consistent and focused on your kids.  Please address those issues yourself, with yourself or a professional because everyone will benefit if you are less stressed and feeling better.

Raising children is a tough job and only when they are older are you able to look back and acknowledge what worked and what you might do differently. Be kind to yourself. Try to stay in the here and now and savour the previous moments, even if they are fleeting. Don’t believe others when they tell you their kids are perfect or they seem to be when you see them.  No one posts pics of hysterical kids and parents.

Keep sharing with friends, you are certainly not alone in your struggle. Read Feeling Better beat depression and improve relationships with Interpersonal Psychotherapy. www.feelingbetterthebook.com

Share your stories and your opinions with me. Would love to build a relationship with you.

Cindy Goodman Stulberg, D.C.S.,C.Psych.

Psychologist and Director 

Institute for Interpersonal Psychotherapy 

cindystulberg@gmail.com