Is punishment effective? Is it necessary? Does it actually teach right from wrong? I'm not entirely sure about that but what I do know is that punishment creates a very uncomfortable physiological response in the child's body. With punishment comes blame, pain, and (or) shame, all which trigger the fight or flight response in children. This fight or flight response puts children in defence mode. Punishment also creates a spike in cortisol (a.k.a. the stress hormone) in the body. So are children actually learning what they did wrong or are they learning to avoid the physiological response they experienced from punishment? I would say the latter. Who the heck wants to feel shame? Who wants to experience physical or emotional pain? Not I, not you, not your child. There's a big difference between punishment and effective consequences. Punishment is a type of consequence but is very harsh, mean, condescending, and harmful. If used effectively, consequences can be more respectful, should be directly related to the behaviour, and have to be reasonable based on your child's age and stage of development. Punishment is flawed. Here's 5 reasons why...

1. Punishment encourages children to lie. Once children experience the blame, shame, and pain from punishment they will what they can to avoid it from happening again.
2. Punishment fosters resentment and anger. This is especially true for children who do not get enough 1:1 time with their parents. As well for children who don't get enough opportunities throughout their day to feel empowered.
3. Punishment doesn't allow for teaching to happen. Children go into self-defence mode when punished. This closes off any opportunity to teach them right from wrong in the moment.
4. Punishment weakens trust in the parent-child relationship. Trust is built on the foundations of love, support, encouragement, and safety. Punishment works against all of these.
5. Punishment can encourage revenge behaviours. This is especially true for children who do not get enough opportunity to feel empowered throughout the day.

Parents often "punish" their child because in the moment they have a hard time regulating their own emotions. If you feel like you are getting heightened, take a deep breath or just walk away. Remember, every waking moment is a teachable moment. Take hold of each teaching opportunity to teach your children to be the best they can be. You got this!

- Cori