We know the early years of a child’s life are the most critical in developing his or hers social and emotional development.  Developing emotional regulation and cooperation isn’t something that comes naturally to growing children - this is something that must be taught on an ongoing basis and requires lots of modelling and repetition.

What is emotional regulation?

Emotional regulation refers to the ability of child to return to a calm and alert state after an emotional  “bump” of some kind.  This bump could be extremely positive or negative - it may be a full-blown tantrum or a display of over-excitement that is difficult to contain.  In any case, it’s important to note that kids are born with a range of emotions but need adult support to learn regulate so we must be mindful of what our children are actually capable of when we’re setting out our expectations for them.  

Play is an amazing avenue to teach emotional regulation, cooperation and turn taking because children are naturally playful and are drawn to play.  Studies show that young children learn best in a play-based environment when they are following their own interests so we should capitalize on this!  Play (almost always or should) occurs in a safe, non-threatening environment so children are more willing to take risks where they may not do so in other situations.  In play-based scenarios, they learn important skills like negotiating with their peers, taking turns, waiting, and feeling disappointment/excitement.

What you can do to support emotional regulation

Firstly, allow your child to express their emotions (positive and negative) while you help them to identify and label those feelings.  We want to be careful to not stifle or repress those big emotions as this may have implications later on in their social/emotional development.

Mirror play and role play is a great start to help children learn to identify what their feelings actually look like when they are experiencing them.  The next time your child is upset, comment on their appearance and have them see what they look like: “Oh my goodness, you look really sad, you’re crying and your mouth is in a frown - can you see your tears in the mirror?  Poor you, you must need an extra cuddle.” On the other end of the emotional spectrum, make sure to comment on their facial expression and/or action if they are really excited about something - ““Wow, good for you! Look at you clapping your hands, you must be really proud of yourself for finishing that puzzle!  I can see all your teeth and your mouth looks like an orange slice because you’re smiling so much!”

Likewise, parents should model the same sort of emotions and feelings during play to show children how to react.  This may come naturally or you may need to manufacture a situation that would cause you frustration or disappointment to make it a teachable moment - “Oh no!  My tower keeps falling over, it’s making me a bit mad but I’m going to keep trying. Can you help me build it?” This fairly simple statement demonstrates a number of important things:

1. It’s showing that adults have real emotions too!  As parents, we want to stay as emotionally stable as we can in front of our children but it’s actually important for them to witness us experience frustration, disappointment, excitement etc in order to normalize those feelings to them

2. It’s showing perseverance.  A big part of developing emotional regulation is that ability to return to a calm state and either move on or try something again.  By saying “I’m going to keep trying”, we’re teaching our kids that we may have hiccups and get frustrated, but we can still get over it and return to the task at hand

3. It’s showing the ability to ask for help.  Self-regulation doesn’t mean that children are completely left on their own to deal with their emotions, rather they have a constructive set of tools and strategies to help deal with them.  Teaching our kids to ask for help is one of those strategies

Teaching sharing and cooperation during play

This is an ongoing and often arduous task that takes years and years of input but don’t give up - your efforts will pay off!  

Giving Choice

Children ultimately want to be in control of their environment.  So much of their lives are dictated to them and for them so allowing them to choose what they want to play with is a great start.  If they are happy with what toy or game they’ve chosen, they will be more likely to cooperate during the activity. So,during play, allowing them to choose activities or steer direction of play “Do you want to play with the puzzle first or the magformers?” “After your turn, who should have a turn next - Mommy or Daddy?”

Using First, Next/Then Statements

Using first/next language prepares children for what’s coming up and it will make them more likely to comply with a request if it comes with a bit of a warning rather than a surprise. “First Myka is going to do some drawing and then Mommy is going to add to it” or “Who should drive the car down the ramp first?  Saul or Daddy? Ok first Saul will drive it and then it’s Daddy’s turn.” Giving a heads up to what will be coming next is helpful for children to learn to regulate their emotions.

Using Simple Language and Practice, Practice, Practice!

Encourage turn-taking and sharing with simple language like “my turn, your turn” or “Mommy’s turn, Claire’s turn”.  Younger children don’t have the cognitive capacity to listen to a long-winded explanation about sharing, especially if they may be getting into a heightened emotional state.  So best to use simple, short and consistent phrases that they understand. Modelling these strategies over and over will help reinforce these concepts. Practice makes permanent.

Engaging in Imaginative/Pretend Play

Imaginative play is a GREAT way to act out real-life social and emotional scenes in a safe and fun environment (while stealthily teaching cooperation skills!).  Role play situations that they are interested and engaged in. The kitchen/cooking/restaurant is generally a popular role play scenario - kids love acting out things that are familiar to them.  In these types of scenarios, you can play out patience (waiting your turn to be seated at the table if you’re pretending you’re in a restaurant for example), making choices and turn taking (ordering your food), dealing with disappointment (“I’m sorry James, we don’t have any more hamburgers today, can you choose something else?”, sharing (“If you’re really interested in the hamburger, you can ask Joe if he’ll share his and we can cut it in the middle”) and cooperation (“Oh dear, the dishwasher is broken in the kitchen - who can help me wash up the dishes in the sink?”).  

Remember -  self-regulation and cooperation are difficult and complex concepts to master!  Be persistent, consistent and patient and they will eventually internalize it all.

Mary Wolff & Talia Shapero

Co-Founders, Smart Cookie Club

Visit The Smart Cookie Club online for more info about play based learning!